...I can't believe it. It's actually over. These past two years—which once seemed to be an eternity and a half—have come and gone in the blink of an eye. Now, here we are on my last day in the mission field. Who could've possibly imagined this incredible journey I set off on could come and go so very quickly? Of course, nearly everyone I talked to throughout my mission warned me of this, and to a degree I believed and understood them. It was the same thing with high school and any marching band season I went through. But, for some reason, I felt as though my tenure as a servant of the Lord would last longer—that the end would never really come. And yet, here it is, with me only but a few hours left as the young Elder Z.S.Weber.
As this realization hit me between the eyes like a charging bull, I couldn't help but look back over this past week and wonder if what I did during my mission—during these oh so short twenty-three months—was enough. I am in no way perfect, and throughout this mission I have made some mistakes. Some days I didn't work as hard as I should. I didn't consecrate my all to the Lord. I would be lazy, stubborn, prideful, and almost anything else that would keep me from giving everything I had to the work. I have thought of this often throughout the week, and while the joys of my successes as a missionary were bright and bold, my shortcomings filled me with worry and anxiety, a fear that I hadn't done all I should.
That's where Friday—and the temple trip I had been waiting for—met me, with all my anxieties and worries winding me up tight. They rode the long drive down from Loveland to Denver with me, never losing their grip on my mind even for a second. I felt immensely relieved when we finally reached the temple. The peace of the temple was wonderful, but it did not erase my fears. I felt them, nagging at the back of my head throughout my time in the temple. It filled me with worry, and as I sat there I would find myself wondering if my inadequacies, my mistakes, would make me unfit to remain in the building. Even worse, I wondered if they would even go so far as to close me off from the blessings of Heaven.
This lasted throughout my time in the temple until I finally reached the celestial room. For those that don't know, the celestial room in the temple is made to represent the highest kingdom in our Father's Heaven. It is the most beautiful place in the entire building—indeed, no matter the building, it is always the most beautiful place in the world, and the Spirit of the Lord can be felt very strongly there. It is a place to go to when in need of divine guidance and direction, when doubt needs to be dispelled and fear and anxiety erased. Such was my sorry state as I sat in that beautiful room. I felt compelled to ask our Father Himself what He thought of me and the work I had done on my mission. Had I failed Him, or was He proud of me?
Now, normally I do not share the impressions or truth I receive from my time in the temple of my Lord. However, after thinking over these past few days, I have been impressed to share this message with you today.
I didn't get my answer right away, but as doubt attempted another frontal assault on my mind, I felt a thought take center stage. "Read the Book of Mormon. You know where to go to." It was the Spirit, no denying it. And, he was right. I did know where I needed to look for support. So, I grabbed one of the copies of the Book of Mormon that were sitting in the room. I turned to the Book of Alma, Chapter 38, when Alma is teaching his son Shiblon. This is what I read.
"And now, my son, I trust that I shall have great joy in you, because of your steadiness and your faithfulness unto God; for as you have commenced in your youth to look to the Lord your God, even so I hope that you will continue in keeping his commandments; for blessed is he that endureth to the end...I know that thou wast in bonds; yea, and I also know that thou wast stoned for the word’s sake; and thou didst bear all these things with patience because the Lord was with thee; and now thou knowest that the Lord did deliver thee." (Alma 38:2, 4)
These words brought some comfort to my mind. I have always felt a close association to the sons of Alma the Younger. Each, I feel, I can relate to in some degree. I honestly would not be surprised if I had been friends with them in the Premortal Existence. And this time, from Shiblon, I felt the comforting hand of the Lord resting upon and telling me that, no, I didn't do everything that I could, but that which I did do He was proud of me for. I could have done better, but as I began to worry over the 'what ifs', my eyes caught another scripture, also written to Shiblon, that comforted me again.
"And now, as ye have begun to teach the word even so I would that ye should continue to teach; and I would that ye would be diligent and temperate in all things. See that ye are not lifted up unto pride; yea, see that ye do not boast in your own wisdom, nor of your much strength. Use boldness, but not overbearance; and also see that ye bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love; see that ye refrain from idleness." (Alma 38:10-12)
Those words struck me from the crown of my head to the tips of my toes. In my mind I could feel the Spirit realigning my thoughts in a way I could understand. In effect, I felt, or heard, the voice of the Lord in my mind saying, "Elder Weber, the past is in the past. Let it go. I don't care about what you did or didn't do on your mission. Not any more. I care about you. I care about the man you have become, and the spirit that resides within you. Have you grown and changed from who you were when you left South Jordan two years ago? If so, then that's all you really need to know. Don't be weighed down by the past. Learn from it, and make the rest of your life even greater than you could ever fathom."
As I felt those words rush through my mind, I came to understand. Yes, I have a lot to work on still. But, so does everyone else. My mission wasn't set up to make me perfect for when I come back home. If it was, every missionary I have served with would fail in that. But it gave me something to work with, a new identity that I can run with for the rest of my life. My work isn't done here. I have a long way to go yet, and I'm ready for it. I have my Father by my side, my Lord on the other, and their angels all about me to bear me up. I have family and friends who are ready for me to come home, and willing to help me out. For this, I truly am thankful.
I started this email by saying that I felt as though my mission never truly would end. I was right. Remember that in the beginning of that second quote I gave that Alma's counsel to his son Shiblon is to continue teaching as he has hitherto been teaching. If you wouldn't mind, I would like to quote some words written by a famous writer in the fantasy world. Speaking as one of his most popular characters, he wrote, "And so my tale ends—do I dare to say?...I am young, I must remind myself...And for all my present contentment, the world remains a dangerous place...Do I dare to believe my story is fully told? I think not." (R.A.Salvatore, Sojourn)
Brothers and sisters, the work continues to press onward. It doesn't end when we take the name tags off and the mantle of a full-time missionary is lifted from our shoulders. There is yet much work to be done, and it will not end until the Lord Himself appears before us and says, as He did almost two-thousand years ago, "it is finished." So we need to get to work. There is much to be done, among both the living and our dead and departed. Every man, every woman, every being that can do this work must come together in harmony. We have friends to help, burdens to ease, callings to fulfill, and families to nurture. We have relatives that are waiting for the blessings we cherish. Do not hold back in the service we can give, for it is the greatest service to be given since the very foundation of this earth. Indeed, it is the service this earth was made for.
Is our journey over?
I dare say not.
In fact, this is only the beginning.
This I say in the sacred name of our Lord and Savior, even Jesus Christ, Amen.
—Elder Z.S.Weber
